Friday, October 14, 2011

The SV Times Presents - Dear Alex #3 - Coconuts or Bananas?

Dear Alex, My best friend just broke up with his girlfriend. Is this a good time to tell him I'd like to date her myself. Actually, I'd kind of like to take him on a date too.

Seriously confused

Dear Seriously Confused, certainly are confused, aren't you? Let me ask you this; do you prefer coconuts, or bananas? Triangles, or cones? Fashion design, or construction? Sports bars, or spas?

Personally I'm not judging either way know, my wife Michele is a little more sensitive than I am. I'll have her answer this question.

“Regardless of your preference, it would be in bad taste to go after your best friend's ex. It breaks “bro code”, doesn't it? You could try to pull a few moves on your pal, but you might want to gauge his tolerance first. Otherwise, he might run out of your house screaming bloody murder. Also, ignore Alex's weird and intrusive questions that supposedly spell out your simsual orientation. They don't.

Remember, there are plenty of fish (of both genders!) in the sea.”

So, yeah. There's her answer.

Now that I've had time to think about it, I'd say go for the girl and just don't tell your friend. It seems easier that way.

(you could also sneak into his room in the middle of the night and fondle him, but that might lead to a restraining order.)

Enjoy your banana coconuts,

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The SV Times Presents - Dear Alex #2- My Ex's Mom Has Got It Going On

Dear Alex,

I dated my high-school sweetheart for three years, before calling it quits. She called me insensitive or whatever, just because I broke up with her the day before prom, and then again two years later after her 18th birthday. Everyone knows high school romances don't last, and besides, I want to catch some new fish. Wink wink.
So anyway, she's married now with a kid, but I'm not quite sure she's completely over me. I've been crushing on her mom for years, and after her parents got a divorce, I decided to go for it. She was very reciprocation to my advances, so the attraction is pretty mutual. However, it's adding more tension to the household, because my ex/her daughter walked in while we were woohoo-ing. Oops? I also think her mom may be pregnant. And she also happens to be Mayor. So, do we go about telling her daughter/my ex that she may have a new brother or sister, fathered by her high school sweetheart? This seems like it'd be really awkward for family reunions...

-Cougar Luvr

Dear Cougar Luvr,

Seriously?! Wow. You remind me of a guy I used to know.

Let me get this straight; you've impregnated the mayor of your town who also happens to be the mother of your ex-girlfriend who is now married with a child and living in the same house. Well then, there is no fix that I can think of.

You've successfully screwed up your life, and the lives of those around you. Great job.

Stay Celibate,

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The SV Times Presents - Dear Alex #1- Computer Issues

Dear Alex,

I'm having issues with my new computer, and I'm about ready to toss it out the window. The stupid thing won't turn on! I've tried everything! I've tried plugging it in, unplugging it, cross-plugging won't do anything! I called the store, and they told me to call this techno support place. Do you know what the number to a techno support place is?! I'm just sitting here, narrating my message to a friend as she types it. It's so embarrassing that I can't even use my own computer.

I understand that you're a computer whiz, so I thought it would be okay to email you with this question for your new column. Oh, my little boy! I can't believe you have your own column now! It brings tears to my eyes. Oh, and how's my little Susie, hmm? Can she walk yet? I haven't seen her in awhile...

-Your Mom. (and bring by Susie sometime, will ya?!)

Dear Mom,

You realize you could have called me, right? We've been over this; you don't turn the computer on and off by plugging and unplugging it repeatedly. There are buttons on the computer that will turn it off successfully. Why didn't you hire one of the tech (short for "technical") guys to hook up your computer for you? Why can't your friend who typed this message help you out with your computer?

Suzanne is adapting well, and she's growing like a weed. She even looks like you a little bit. I promise I'll bring her when we go back to Riverview over the holidays. I'll even fix your computer, which by now I'm certainly hoping isn't a laptop.

Stay Sane,