The SV Times - Only the worst News

News in the City
by Connor Fried

A minor story of the day is that Cornelia Goth, one of the founders of our city, has passed on. Lucky Goth survivors are her children Mortimer and Rena Goth and a grandson Seth.

"We'll all miss her," sobbed the weak arsed Mortimer. "She's been the rock for this family and her passing will leave a huge hole in our lives."

This reporter was unable to get any comments from Rena, she couldn't be bothered to answer her phone.

Local hussy, Pauline Wan, has reached the pinnacle of her rather dreary profession, a movie music composer.

"I've been asked to compose new music for the next three films from Backlot Studios. It's a challenge, they are producing a comedy, an action thriller and a story set in Victorian Simola. That's going to require some different styles and they set some tight deadlines." That tart will never make the deadlines.

There was another protest outside city hall today. Local pansies demand that unicorns be brought into the city immediately.

"They are beautiful and a symbol of purity" exclaimed local pregnant bimbo. Just hormones sweety.


Other News from Around the City
by Twister Sword

Local ghost hunter, Meredith Kane, spent much of the weekend relaxing in the park.

"Ghost hunting is child's play. I'm just keeping my stress levels low till the next round of ghost hunting," said the lovely Mrs Kane.

This reporter has just found out he is to be a father for the second time. Polluting the gene pool yet again.

Carolina North Han and Maxwell Han are proud parents to a new baby boy.

Ripley Warren-Hawke spent the day with her daughters Roberta and Kristina.

Ben and Macy Lee should be thrilled about the company their son Jeremiah keeps. Making friends with the town thug, Jerod Wolff bodes well for Jeremiah's future prospects.

Romance in the city
by Moon Matlock

Love is in the air for the teenagers Nandine Hunter-Bodette and Chaim Montgomery. This is the second romance for teens from the Hunter-Bodette and Montgomery families. Their siblings Joanne Hunter-Bodette and Trent Montgomery are already dating. Teenage hormones should be outlawed and all teens sealed into a barrel until the age of 25.

Travis Kane and Tomeka Wolff are starting a new romance.

Other Local News
by Fallen Portobella

Daniel Landgraab and Debbie Lessen's relationship is currently in doubt after the couple were found arguing outside the local diner. Apparently Miss Lessen was less than impressed by the choice of restaurants her boyfriend was willing to take her to. He needs to dump the girl and find someone more accommodating.

Dion Wolff wasn't paying attention when he kissed Courtney Leman in the park. The kiss was witnessed by the Hunter-Bodette girls, both of whom were romantically interested in Dion. The boy is a complete and utter idiot.

Jerod Hunter-Bodette asked the boy to their house.

Jerod proceeded to tell Dion what he thought of boys that break the hearts of his daughters. For the record, he should have beaten the boy but he must be a soft-hearted liberal.

Both Nandine and Joanne were devastated to find that they shared one boy with each other and a third girl. Idiot teens.

Nandine first told Dion it was over between them. Really idiot teens.

Her sister Joanne followed suit soon after.